


remember how you loved me

by cleonsyk (lrviolet)



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:38:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lrviolet/pseuds/cleonsyk
Summary: We all like to keep memories of our firsts: first love, first kiss, and the first heartbreak.





	remember how you loved me

**Author's Note:**

> Written waaaaay back 2012 and posting here for archive purposes.

It is winter, and by the window she stares at the snow sealing the roads in whiteness, and children throwing snowballs at each other, and laughter, and love. She stops biting off her pencil’s eraser, putting it down along with the sheet of paper earlier plastered against her favorite book, and then she flexes her legs out on the comfy window seat (her window seat she remembers him saying it), then eventually picking up her warm latte.

“Christmas Party! You can’t ditch me like this, Sul.”

Soojung happens to be the only person who uses the nickname for more than twenty years and she smiles upon reading the text message. They’re both aged thirty-four now, with their own lives and own worlds, that, just like the young kids outside, used to be so much simpler.

“It’s absolutely going to be the best party on the block!”

“And what did Minho say about this, Krys?” she types back her response, expecting that Soojung won’t anymore reply to it. And five minutes pass, Jinri gets around the dining area to whip herself more coffee, still without an answer from one of her friends.

“Good morning, love,” He greets her, eyes away from the breakfast paper, when she walks in, her writing things on one hand, while the other is armed with the empty mug.

Grinning, she stops and approaches him. “You’re up early.”

“So are you,” he then answers, going back to his news. “Waited for Santa again, just like last year?”

Jinri ends up having to sit beside him, watching the lights in his eyes party even though he looked too calm, and reserved, and just him sitting there and acting as though he hasn’t read the business page yet makes her giggle out of nowhere, which in turn leads him to looking up.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

She showed her cup while repressing laughter. “I ran out of coffee, that’s what’s wrong.”

He pinched her cheek out of longing, while at the same time, falling in love. “Keep your hair that way. Makes you look... grown-up.”

“We’re grown-ups now, aren’t we?” Her mind wanders back.

Another lopsided smile from him is the best thing Santa has delivered that Christmas, and practically every Christmas as well, and maybe it’s because they have known each other long enough to know that the smile may mean otherwise, not just happiness, not just love, but otherwise.

That otherwise both of them sometimes wish to neglect but can’t.

* * *

Jinri is four when she first meets Jongin, and after forced smiles and hiding behind their mothers’ skirts, they begin to warm up with each other and their friends. After moving in town because of work, Choi Jinri’s family decides to raise their daughter in a quiet town at the outskirts of Seoul, while getting in touch with their co-workers who live nearby. Apparently also around Jinri’s age, they all were.

“This is Jung Soojung. She’s your age and she can show you around school tomorrow, okay?” says her mother, letting her meet the children at her birthday party. The girl with ebony hair tied in pigtails looks at Jinri in contempt, crossing her arms at the same time and she feels even then that this will take a longer time to adapt around her.

“Well, that is Sehun over there. Isn’t he handsome?” her mother continues, kidding with her group of friends and with Sehun’s mother shoving the young boy forward but he keeps hiding.

The boy standing next to Soojung is her playmate, now holding her toys for her. “Who’s that?” Jinri points at him, while he stares at her back.

“That’s Kim Jongin, my favorite,” says Sehun’s mother, while her own child Sehun scowls at this. A favorite, Jinri remembers.

When everyone left, Jongin stays behind (because his mother stays behind) and helps clean up the backyard. When you’re children, there isn’t much to talk about, mostly all gruff and silent excuse me’s.

“So Jongin’s attending ballet school?”

“Yes, he is.” _Mom, don’t tell them that!_

“It’s an after class activity, isn’t it? I think I’ll have Jinri take it.” Jinri is dumbfounded upon hearing it, eyes from her mom and then to the boy picking up dead spilled paper cups on the floor. While she wears a questioning look, Jongin simply shrugs.

And perhaps it isn’t as odd as they thought it would be how they have gotten closer despite Soojung in between (and Sehun, but he rarely comes because he insists he has homework to do, that poor guy). Middle school starts for the four, an inseparable gang some may want to say but that’s just how it is.

Ballet comes only every Tuesday and Friday afternoons now, and one day after the bell rings, Soojung approaches Jinri in her nifty uniform, emphasizing the twelve-year-old’s curves that make even Jinri wonder why puberty happens to be too sweet on Jung, and rough when it comes to her.

“Sulli!”

“Sulli?” she scratches her head when the other girl comes rushing to her.

Soojung nods. “Yes, and I get to be Krystal. Your name comes from a bollywood film Sehun and I watched the other day and the character just reminded me of you so much, you know.”

Her best friend blinks slowly. “And Krystal?”

“Krystal’s my English name. When we visit America, they all call me Krystal,” she reasons animatedly, walking with Jinri now to the school’s gates, still chatting with how the film went and how she hates Sehun commenting on the tiniest details, like how the movie’s cinematography is of better quality than ones you see in Korea.

Jinri sees Jongin waiting for her across the street, sleeves rolled up. “Soojung, lis –”

“Krystal.” She stops, looking at Jinri indignantly. “I thought we agreed on the nicknames. It’s what best friends do.”

Jinri ends up grinning in apology. “Of course, Krystal. Listen, Jongin and I are gonna go now, okay? It’s a Tuesday again and you know, we kind have –”

Jongin suddenly stands behind the two girls, his backpack hanging on one shoulder while the other on his pocket. “What took you so long?” Jinri sighs heavily before, turning to answer him only to find Soojung’s hand interlocked with him, and his gaze goes along with this.

“Our teacher was a pain and I had to pick up Sulli.” His eyes then travel to her, and before Jinri knows it, Jongin’s arm already flies to her shoulder.

“What happened to Jinri?”

That is what Jinri would like to know exactly, out of the literal sense. Such as why all of a sudden does her heart feel frenetic, throbbing more now and her breathes go from slow to fast and then back again; and the world may be mad forever but she can’t. She can’t be crazy, nor anything out of the ordinary – Choi Jinri (Sulli) after all is just a mere normal teenager, if twelve can be rounded off as one. She doesn’t even like Jongin _that_ way, yet it is uncomfortable to watch them. Why, she too doesn’t understand.

Because their best friends. And if one is in a relationship, maybe it gets too crowded. Let alone half of the say within the gang is theirs. She thinks far and says she doesn’t want to end up with Sehun, if that case worsens.

But it won’t. Jinri can handle it. They all will manage.

She smiles and takes off his arm. “I’ll see you at ballet, Jongin. Talk to you later...” she doesn’t know anymore how to say her name. “Krystal.”

* * *

The days past, and Jongin and Soojung make their relationship more public to the eyes than in mere rumors (Sehun is the one to blame for spreading it, with the rest of the three wondering how many personalities are there inside that boy). This dating business suddenly turns into a game of who shouts the loudest, or who throws the brightest mocking remark in the middle of the street, and who literally spends more time, effort and money to apologize first. The person who says sorry first wins by default, as one who loves the other more.

Jinri’s already fifteen and the games don’t seem to end at all. They’re in high school now, and she thinks it’s totally overdone, immature really for two almost maturing children to be fighting all the time. That’s not even legitimate dating issues!

It has been three consecutive weeks since Jongin has last seen Jinri at ballet, so while he and Soojung are in one of those under construction moments, he asks Sehun if he’s seen the girl, since they’re classmates in almost every class.

“Oh, she got into an accident.”

“And I didn’t know? I mean, Soojung and I didn’t know?” Perplexed, Jongin nearly shrieks, standing up from their table and swinging his bag now over his shoulder. “Hey, man. Is she still in the hospital? What kind of accident?”

“We were kind of on our way back after some science project. We just rode bikes, you know, like the old days?” Sehun sighs. “She strained her ankle when she was riding it downhill. I had to carry her on my back all the way home.”

Jongin feels relieved. “Is she okay now? I mean, it’s just that why don’t I see her in school that often?”

Sehun starts laughing and shaking his head, getting up to throw his juice carton. “You’re not paying attention to her that much, you know. Just because you and Soojung are a mess, doesn’t me you have to disregard the idea that you still have friends, like us. And even if you and Soojung are not working out, I mean obviously, ‘Krystal’ will always be your best friend. Just like us.”

“That’s deep, dude,” yawns Jongin. “I’m heading for ballet now.”

* * *

The studio is firmly one of the places he can think for himself, Jongin decides, as he grabs his clothes from the locker and a bottle of water. Is he really ignoring them both, Jinri most especially? He shakes his head, while his phone beeps another text message from Soojung he predicts. He enters the practice room after getting changed, and surprisingly receives a shock by the doorway to see Jinri in her tights, stretching in front of the mirror. She looks exhausted, but still she stands.

She delivers a few simple leaps in the air, and the beauty of it all amazes him despite the bandage stuck on her right leg. After a few turns she lets out a cry, dropping on the floor hastily. Without hesitation he runs to her side at once, only to be beaten by another boy, his own hands holding on to Jinri quite well.

Jinri is sobbing, hand gripping her sprain. And she looks up. “Jongin-ah? What are you doing here so early?”

He can’t answer, nor look at her properly, because his eyes are set on a competitor he hasn’t seen before. “I told you not to do it.”

She stands with the help of the other boy, leaning against him as her feet looked limp. “I’m sorry I just had to. I’ve been wanting to do it.” She tells him.

“But you sprained your ankle, didn’t you? Jinri, what did I tell you about practicing when you –” Cut off by the other boy, Jongin chirps in, pissed off suddenly for Jinri being too stubborn about her injury. And now this nobody comes around. Sheesh.

“She’s been trying to walk and dance with that ankle, though,” says the boy.

“I’m all right, Jongin. I can practice now,” she answers with that million-dollar smile. “Taemin has been helping me a lot.”

“Jongin,” he pushes his hand in between the two, separating them because Jinri shouldn’t be mingling with this boy.

“Taemin,” he bows down. “I’m new in town and I met Jinri the other week.”

“Is he a ballet dancer, too?” whispers Jongin when the boy walks away and Jinri, her eyes following the elegant visitor, shook her head in reply.

“No, I just told him to come over and help me dance.”

“I could’ve done that! I’m the more professional,” Jongin frowns. “You have no faith in me that much anymore, do you Jinri?”

She scoffs. “You can’t even work it out properly with Soojung. I don’t want to be part of that mess, do you understand, Kkamjong? I just ...” She turns to him, and Jinri’s heart feels captured in an instant at his grumpy face.

“I just don’t want to be something else to you, Jongin.” _Please, stop saying stupid things out of your head, Jinri._

“You mean a burden? Since when were you ever a burden, Jinri? Come on, I’m your friend,” Jongin takes her hand, almost in an embrace as well while eyeing her foot, which might have flamed in pain by now.

Because he is a friend. And Jinri knows, from Soojung’s weeping at night to Sehun’s careful words of wisdom and honesty, that they can’t ever change that for as long as the world revolved around the sun, for as long as they see each other in ballet (she is little by little falling for it), for as long as they are the best of friends.

* * *

“I think I love him.”

Here she is being 18 and writing down application letters to respectable colleges, still discussing about loving someone she can’t ever have. Sehun hands her juice from the Oh’s fridge, and while Soojung is upstairs in his room watching her favorite drama, the two end up doing hers as well.

“Do you think Soojung will fit in Architecture?” He takes out more forms, listing down the courses that the university offers to fresh high school graduates.

“She likes to draw, though, “ Jinri takes a bite from her cookie. “I mean, I think that it’s really love by now, Sehun. Don’t you think?”

“If I told you I love you now, will you shut up?”

She does, because he rarely confesses things, and when he does, there usually is some meaning in them. She stares at him wide-eyed while Sehun remains as stoic, filing up the papers sheet by sheet and identifying what lacks.

“Nah, just kidding with you Jinri,” he says right after, still not looking up. “But it sure did make you close your mouth.”

Jinri starts to throw fake punches at him, glaring in response. “That’s not the point here, Sehun.”

“And what makes you think it’s love, though?” He grabs a cookie from the plate, while both hands still pasted Soojung’s 1 x 1 pretty picture down. “She’s more interested in fashion or how about a medicine course? Like related to science.”

“She’s not you, Sehun,” Jinri says. “You don’t have to worry about applying because you’re on the top of the honor roll. Special privilege for geeks!”

He tries to wipe the grin off her face but ends up failing. “Now, seriously. It’s not love. You’re just infatuated or something. Tiny crush.”

“Well, I think it has something to do with how he always takes care of me, or when he starts telling me that it’s not fair how I spend more time with you than with him, or how I can’t take my eyes off of him when he dances. And it’s crazy because it happened so fast and it takes me this long to realize it. I like the way he smiles too. That uneven one, where you aren’t sure if he’s thinking what you’re thinking or if he just happens to be just as in love as I am. Or something, I don’t know! You’re a guy, you should now.”

“Even if I’m not in love you, I wouldn’t be wearing an uneven smile. I’d be wearing a grin and I’ll have you rest on my arm for as long as you want and I’d let you have piggybacks forever.”

Jinri ends up smiling and pinching his cheek. “Sehun, you’re so sweet.”

“See, there’s a thin line between friendship and love,” Sehun explains. “You can’t tell which is which unless stated. Maybe he’s doing it because you’re his friend. That’s something you have to learn.”

Jinri continues to disagree. “No. Not this time. It’s different this time, Sehun. It’s really going to be it. I won’t fail this time.”

“And what about Jongin?”

She nods a little too softly and takes Sehun’s hand. “Well, we’re all friends, aren’t we?”

* * *

She has never felt so alone. Soojung is in America for college, Sehun somewhere in those time-consuming universities, while Jongin enters the military early, for the sake of getting it done. She still keeps in contact with them, but Jinri has thoughts, like what if she confessed to Jongin that she has this tiny crush on him, or if Soojung and Jongin had worked out before, she won’t be in America being depressed and damaged about first boyfriends. Or what if Sehun lied and actually loved Jinri? What if of all these things, she actually tried putting more time into analyzing each one of it?

“Can I sit here?” He asks her now as she stares outside. It’s winter. And she feels alone. With a boy, she has said she loved so much.

“Sit wherever you want to sit,” she answers lazily, crossing her arms. Before he does, he takes out his scarf, wrapping it around her neck because she appears chilled more than a minute ago. She looks up at his face, the perfection she knows she will have to make do while everyone has left.

“You all right?”

“Christmas was easier when I was a kid,” she tells him. “But Taemin, I don’t know. Things have been crazy since Soojung left, since they officially broke up. I don’t know anything anymore.”

He heaves one strong sigh. “Well, I do know this is your window seat.” She focuses on him now. “And I do know you used to love ballet because you get to see him there, spend time with you than with Soojung. I know you hate how Sehun sometimes makes you crazy with his nonsense and his random words but you’re afraid of losing him, just like Jongin. To Soojung or in anything general, whichever it is. I do know that you hate waking up without latte or if your clothes aren’t ironed properly, or the fact that your right ankle still stings even up to this point.”

A smile brightens Jinri’s face. “You know too much.”

“And you know what else?” Taemin closes the gap with a light kiss on the forehead.

She waits until he parts, his eyes digging up her soul to come out, so in little time, despite it being winter, she blooms, with color and life.

“I’d give up anything just to see you happy,” he then tells her. “Smile for me, Jinri. You don’t know how much I love you.”

* * *

“More coffee, Jinri?” He asks, getting up with her cup already and pours some more, sweetened and creamed just like she wanted it.

“Soojung said Minho’s going and so are Sehun and Jongin,” Jinri tells him, sighing upon reading the names aloud. “Should we go too? I mean, it’ll be like a reunion, you know.”

“It’ll be fun, like Soojung said,” the man excitedly urges. “Of course, I couldn’t say so for your schedule.”

She picks up her phone and dials Soojung while he sets her cup in front of her. “Hey, Krys. Taemin and I are going.” Taemin smiles his more prominent one, as she looks up to him in approval. They let their smiles linger on for a while because it’s Christmas, and Jinri has to cancel for tonight, maybe get drunk after a while or so, receive a punch from Jung, get a piggyback from Sehun or a kiss from Kkamjong; either way, she has Taemin until forever. And that much she knows.


End file.
